Don’t Take for Granted…

Song in My Head: “You are Not Alone” by Michael Jackson

The other day something hilarious happened at work.  I laughed and laughed.  I couldn’t believe what had just happened.  I went back into my office, still laughing to myself.  I thought to myself, “I gotta tell somebody about this!”  Then I had so much sadness rush over me.  “Who can I tell?”  As I have written before, I literally don’t have any friends.  I did not have anyone to text or call.  So, I texted my mom.  She thought it was funny, but I felt the smile on my face disappear.

I am tired of feeling that way.  Every day on my break at work, I call my mom.  I live an hour away from work.  My coworkers did not previously know me.  They think I am talking to my boyfriend.  Yes, really.  When they ask me about my boyfriend or special someone, I tell them I don’t have one (with a coy smile).  They think I am just super private.  Would I love to have a boyfriend to call everyday at lunch? HECK YES!

So, thinking about it will not make it happen.  Last week I found a group on Meetup.com and I went to the meeting.  Its a common interest group.  Did I find a boyfriend, fall magically in love and elope to Hawaii?  NOPE. BUT!  I felt really comfortable with 11 strangers.

Comfortable enough to contribute to the group.  Let me explain why that is important.  I am terribly shy.  When I was a child, people in town thought something was wrong with me.  Teachers in school would tell me, “I forgot you were there, you’re so quiet.”  I would get feedback in college and graduate school about NOT contributing to group discussions.  (They didn’t understand the anxiety I had going to class trying to plan something to say).  So!  For me to contribute to a group discussion with 11 strangers (albeit friendly strangers)  is great.

I did not expect to come away with a BFF, but I hope maybe at the next meetings I can make a connection.  If Mr. Right is not at the meeting (which he probably isn’t because the organizer is married with kids and the other men there were like 50+), maybe a future gal/guy pal is.  Perhaps we will trade numbers and next time something hilarious at work occurs, I can text them.  Fingers crossed.

 

Dear Time,

Song in My Head: “Under Pressure” by Queen

I used to look forward to your arrival.  I was ready for you to take me to freedom.  I looked forward to driving, college, staying up late.  Then you came and left me behind.  You are moving too fast for me to catch you.  You have taken everyone with you and forgotten me.  I can’t stop you.

In a couple of months you will sweep by me again.  My only hope is to jump in and try to stay beside you.  You were supposed to take me to happiness, but now I dread the thought of your visit.

I have one hand on the ledge and I am going to hold on.  I need to get back in front of you.  I have to prove to myself that it’s not too late.  It’s not too late to live and enjoy at 29.  I can still become someone’s mother, someone’s wife, someone’s friend, someone’s something.

I then promise to never let you catch me again.  Game on time.  Game on.

Respectfully,

The Wishful Dreamer